Thoughts

I've not been so good at keeping this blog going, huh? I took a long break, b/c I didn't really have anything that interesting to say. Now that I've become a mom, I have some interesting things to talk about, and her name is Adelynn Cecelia.

Adelynn (Adie) was born July 4. She came into the world with a bang, let me tell ya. I was in labor for 16 hours. My epidural didn't really take, so I felt all 16 of those hours, and Pitocin is a killer. God was so gracious, though, because my little girl came out with such a gentle curiosity about her. She didn't even cry. She just looked around as if to say, "Hello world! Here I am!" She was (and still is) the picture of perfection.

Bonding with her was so easy. I'd heard how some women really struggle with this, but thankfully I did not. I did have some postpartum blues, but that only lasted about 2-3 weeks. After that, I was able to relax and enjoy Adie in every way.

People told me that when we had a baby, everything would change, but I just had no idea! Things that used to really bother me don't anymore. If I haven't eaten all day, I don't really care, because that just means I've been playing really hard with my little sweetie. I value time at home more. The list could go on and on.

So this is what I was thinking about this morning that I really wanted to share:

When I was younger, I never fantasized about being a mother. I'd never really even thought about it much even after I'd been married a few years. And now I can't imagine anything in life being greater than this. To watch her grow, learn to laugh and play, and just be with her means everything to me now. Life always had a lot of meaning to me, but now it takes on a whole new one. I am a mom!

So now I'm faced with the daunting task of going back to work. Some may want to criticize me here, but just don't. I've wrestled with this for 3 months, and I know that it's what God wants for me. My job isn't just a job. For me, it's something I feel called to do. However, I am also called to be Adie's mom, so somehow, I have to find the balance. I know I will, but it doesn't make the ache in my heart go away. I am so going to miss my little girl, but I think that the time I have with her from now on will be total quality time. It won't seem wasted. Does that make sense?

These last 3 months that I've had with my little girl mean everything to me. I've gotten to know her like no one else could possibly know her. I am tearfully excited about what's to come. I can't believe that God has blessed me so much as to put me in charge of this wonderful little person.

Here's a photo of one of her first smiles:

 

Today has been such an amazing day, so I thought I'd take some time to share how awesome my Father is. I've been such a slacker for the last couple of months in keeping up with this blog, so I sincerely apologize to the (maybe) one person who actually reads this.

God has been changing me over the last year, and I don't think it could have come at a better time. I used to be the most legalistic, self-righteous Christian you would have ever met. Now, don't think that I was just hard on others because of what they were doing wrong. I was doubly hard on myself for everything I did wrong. I was an equal opportunity legalist!

This may sound really strange and crazy to some people, but the beginning of my transformation began when God sang to me. (I wrote about this briefly in an earlier blog). I had gotten so burned out striving and trying so hard to be who I thought God and everyone else REQUIRED me to be. I was ready to throw in the towel...to say the heck with organized religion period. Don't misunderstand me. I loved God more than anything, but I was constantly feeling like I could never measure up or follow all the rules well enough. It was horrible.

I was in my car one day while we were living in Germany, and this song came on through my Ipod. The chorus goes something like this: "I am captivated by you, Captivated by you. May my life be one unbroken gaze, fixed upon the beauty of your face." Awww...so pretty, right? I thought so, but it didn't really touch my heart until later that night. I couldn't get the song out of my head all day, and that night when I went to bed, it was still there. I just allowed it to play in my head, hoping that I'd just drift off to sleep. God wouldn't let me got to sleep, however. He had something to say before I decided to quit Him altogether. I began to talk to Him, something I'd not done much of lately. I felt sort of crushed by Him and didn't realize it. God basically just said, "Hush and listen, woman!" Then the song began to play in my head again..."I am captivated by you..." In that moment, all of my walls came crashing down. He was singing to me! He was captivated by me!!! What? I was nothing...filthy rags, on a good day. I'd never heard God like this before. I didn't know what to do, what to think. But as soon as I started to analyze what I'd just heard, I drifted off to the most peaceful sleep I'd had in a long time.

The next morning, I woke up thinking, "Did this really happen? Am I just being crazy ridiculous?" There was no way around it. My heart was changed, softened. I realized that all of the striving to earn God's acceptance and love was futile. He already loved me so much that there was nothing I could do to reverse it. It's like Pastor Mark said this morning at church, "We didn't choose God; He chose us." How unworthy am I that He would do such a thing?!

So, now it's over a year later, and I feel like I'm still trying to wrap my head around grace and mercy. I feel like in everything I do and say, I want God's grace to be evident. I look at people so differently now, too, and I feel like I need to apologize to anyone that I may have judged harshly. I am so sorry for making anyone feel like less than a precious jewel in God's eyes. I guess you can take solace in the fact that I made myself as miserable (if not more miserable) as I made you...haha!

My internal struggle now is not being angry at the people in my younger life who made me feel like God could only love me if I was completely blameless; that if I did anything wrong, I was essentially condemned to hell. I mean, I seriously believed that if I did ANYTHING wrong, God would be angry at me and would literally throw me into the fiery pit. I had it so wrong!!! Today, I feel free to live for Him. My walk feels more pure. I don't try so hard to follow all the rules, but the rules are somehow followed because I'm truly so in love with Him.

Pastor Mark talked about following our dreams this morning, and I wanted to share mine with the whoever reads this. My dream is that when I worship through singing that people feel the way I felt that day when He sang to me. I want you to hear God's voice telling you how much He loves you and how proud He is to be your Father. If I never have an opportunity to sing in front of thousands of people, that's more than ok, but if one person comes to the realization that Jesus is real and His love is unconditional, I will have fulfilled what I was put on this earth to do.

Here's a video for you that I just love...kinda sums it all up, I think.

20 Week Ultrasound Pictures!

 

Her precious little profile!

 

I love her little feet!

 

24 Week Belly

THE BABY IS...

...A GIRL!!! YIPPPPEEEE!!! Danny and I are so happy. We would have been either way, but we're just so happy to finally know! She is perfect and healthy. She has the cutest little nose and lips I've ever seen in my life. She weighs 1 lb now and is over 10 inches long!!

I've tried to journal all of her little milestones, but there are a few things I really want to remember:

1. I started feeling the first "flutter" kicks on January 21 while I was sitting in nursing orientation at GHS.

2. I started feeling her first really strong kicks on Valentine's Day morning. That was the first time Danny was able to feel her kick too.

3. Early last week, I had my first real freak out moment when I hadn't felt her kicking for the entire morning. I was ready to doppler her or go and get an ultrasound just to make sure she was ok. I've never been more scared in my life.

4. Over the last week, her kicking has gotten so frequent that I don't even want to imagine what it will feel like without it. Now she kicks so hard that I can actually see my tummy moving. It's kinda creepy.

5. After Danny, Tiffany Tucker was the next person to be able to feel her. And then, Mirjam, Danny's sister, was able to feel her. It was special. Hopefully Mom and Inge will have an opportunity soon.

6. Last Thursday, we had our 20 week ultrasound (at 21 weeks), and it was such a happy moment. My mom and my mother-in-law were both able to be there, and it was incredible to watch them and share that experience with them. I am so lucky to have such incredible supporters in my life. We have their reactions on video, and it makes me cry every time we watch it (which is quite often...hehe).

I cannot even tell you how blessed life is right now. I've never been so happy, scared, petrified, or thrilled (all at the same time). My prayer for our baby girl is that she is healthy and strong. I pray everyday that she is able to hear the voice of her Father at an early age and that she will grow up knowing His unconditional love and grace. I pray that Danny and I will be examples of that for her. If you want to help us and support us in this endeavor, please pray those same things for her.

Valentine's Day 2009

Danny and I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day to a great extent. I kinda think it's a stupid, retail-inspired holiday, and I don't think there's a guy out there that would mind having an excuse to get out of the whole thing. Danny and I believe that you shouldn't just take one day a year to be romantic and sweet to your significant other. It's something we strive to do daily. We don't always get it right, but we try.

This Valentine's Day has been a little different for me, though. I am starting to put on weight and feel like a huge heifer, and last night it was just a nice to get some flowers and go out on the town. My husband has been amazing since I've been pregnant; telling me how sexy I am and how much he loves me. But I can't help but feel a little icky when I can't button up my pants or my shirt won't fit over my belly. So this year I appreciate having this holiday to really celebrate the love Danny and I share. For one day, we've just been able to concentrate on each other. (And it's the last Valentine's Day we'll have with just the two of us, so we're trying to soak it all up).

I hope everyone has had a great day today! Love is amazing when you find it with someone who is as awesome as Danny!! Love ya, honey!! xoxo


Little History lesson:
Emperor Claudius II ordered all Romans to worship twelve gods, and he made it a crime punishable by death to associate with Christians. Valentinus was a dedicated Christian and continued practicing his beliefs. He was arrested and imprisoned. The jailer noticed that Valentinus was an educated man so he brought his blind daughter, Julia to him so he could tutor and teach her. Valentinus taught her stories of Rome’s history, he taught her about nature, arithmetic and told her about God. One day, Julius asked if God hears our prayers. “Yes, my child, He hears each one,” he replied. Julia expressed her belief that God could heal her blindness. Julia received her sight that day in the prison cell as they knelt and prayed. On the eve of his death, Valentinus wrote a last note to Julia, urging her to stay close to God, and he signed it “from your Valentine.” His sentence was carried out the next day, February 14, 270 A.D. near a gate that was later named Porta Valentini in his memory. He was buried at what is now the Church of Praxedes in Rome. It is said that Julia herself planted a pink-blossomed almond tree near his grave. Today, the almond tree remains a symbol of abiding love and friendship. On each February 14, St. Valentine’s Day, messages of affection, love and devotion are exchanged around the world.
(quoted from http://destinychristian.com/wordpress/?p=726)

Belly Pics!!

 

This was yesterday: 18 weeks, 1 day.

 

The bare (very white) belly.

1st Week of Work

Ok, so this week was my first week in about a year and a half that I've worked 40+ hours. I am working in the CV operating room (open heart surgery), and so far, I'm loving it. I'm completely and utterly pooped, but I think that has a lot to do with the growing baby in my belly too. =)

There's just one thing that I wanted to share from my experiences. This week, I've been knocked off my feet by God. To look into a person's chest and see their beating heart has to be about the coolest thing ever. How can anyone deny that God exists when they see this? I mean, I get the science behind it, and I love that. But to see how everything is formed so perfectly; all the nerves and blood vessels are in just the right place, etc; I just don't get how anyone can deny God. He truly is amazing, and He is such an amazing architect!!

Busy, Busy

I've been very lax over the last month with my blogging. We've had a ton of stuff going on that we are very excited about, so let me give you the updates.

Baby update:
I am a little over 17 weeks now, and my belly is starting to really poke out. I love it! Being that I used to really struggle with weight issues, it's amazing to see that my expanding belly makes me feel incredible...not fat! I have a doctor appointment on Monday, but we won't find out the sex until February 26. We can't wait to know.

New job (finally):
I started my new job on January 19. I'm working in the cardiovascular operating room, and I am so excited about it. When I first started as a nurse in the CCU, I asked to see an open heart surgery while I was on orientation, and they let me watch one. It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen!! I knew from that day on that I wanted to work there someday. I just had no idea that God would allow me to work there already. God really did a miracle in getting me this job. I could go on and tell you the whole story, but I'll spare you for today. One of the really great things about this job is that I don't just circulate (meaning running around grabbing equipment), but I also get to scrub in with the doctor seeing everything firsthand. It's really intense. One day, I'll try and get some photos of the OR itself, so you can see how it's all set up. It's absolutely crazy!!

Anyway, that's the life update. I'm going to try to update this more often. God is amazing and has shared lots with me over the last few months. I want to share, but sometimes I just can't find all the words.

Have a great day!!

Today's QT

I read this in Reflections for Ragamuffins by Brennan Manning this morning, and I just thought I'd share it with you.

"If the question were put to you, 'Do you honestly believe that God likes you?'--not loves you because theologically he must--how would you answer? God loves by necessity of his nature; without the eternal, interior generation of love, he would cease to be God. But if you could answer, 'The Father is very fond of me,' there would come a relaxedness, a serenity, and a compassionate attitude toward yourself that is a reflection of God's own tenderness. In Isaiah 49:15, God says: 'Does a woman forget her baby at her breast, or fail to cherish the son of her womb? Yet even if these forget, I will never forget you'"

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5

I don't really think I need to add to this. Anything I would add would only take away from what's being said...haha. But I'm going to think about what this really means today.

Life Updates...

I don't really know if anyone really cares, but here we go anyway:

1. Danny and I had a fabulous Christmas. It was so good to be able to celebrate with my family this year. I missed my mom last year. =(

2. New Years was great. We were able to go to Atlanta, GA with our College and Career home group. We went to the Aquarium, Danny and everyone else ice skated, and then we had a party at the Votaw house. It was great to celebrate with some new friends. Plus, while we were in Atlanta, I ran into one of my old childhood friends who is, by the way, 8 months preggers. Very exciting!! Very random!!

3. On Saturday, January 3rd, Danny and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. On Christmas day, we had officially been together for 7 years. I am truly married to the best guy in the whole world. I never thought 7 years ago that I would be able to love him more than I did then, but I do! I've never known a love (other than Christ's) that's more unconditional than with Danny.

4. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to check on everything with the baby. I'm not having an ultrasound, but I'll try to keep you posted on things with the little one. I've been using babycenter.com to track the progress and growth of the baby, and as of Friday, the baby was supposedly about the size of a lemon. I think that's kinda cool. I've gained all of 2 lbs, but I'm only 14 weeks. I'm anxious and excited about feeling the first flutters in there. I am also excited about finally being big enough that I look pregnant. (I know I may regret that statement later). I am just ready for it to be more tangible. Does that make sense?

Ok, that's all for now. Have a great week!!