Today has been such an amazing day, so I thought I'd take some time to share how awesome my Father is. I've been such a slacker for the last couple of months in keeping up with this blog, so I sincerely apologize to the (maybe) one person who actually reads this.

God has been changing me over the last year, and I don't think it could have come at a better time. I used to be the most legalistic, self-righteous Christian you would have ever met. Now, don't think that I was just hard on others because of what they were doing wrong. I was doubly hard on myself for everything I did wrong. I was an equal opportunity legalist!

This may sound really strange and crazy to some people, but the beginning of my transformation began when God sang to me. (I wrote about this briefly in an earlier blog). I had gotten so burned out striving and trying so hard to be who I thought God and everyone else REQUIRED me to be. I was ready to throw in the towel...to say the heck with organized religion period. Don't misunderstand me. I loved God more than anything, but I was constantly feeling like I could never measure up or follow all the rules well enough. It was horrible.

I was in my car one day while we were living in Germany, and this song came on through my Ipod. The chorus goes something like this: "I am captivated by you, Captivated by you. May my life be one unbroken gaze, fixed upon the beauty of your face." Awww...so pretty, right? I thought so, but it didn't really touch my heart until later that night. I couldn't get the song out of my head all day, and that night when I went to bed, it was still there. I just allowed it to play in my head, hoping that I'd just drift off to sleep. God wouldn't let me got to sleep, however. He had something to say before I decided to quit Him altogether. I began to talk to Him, something I'd not done much of lately. I felt sort of crushed by Him and didn't realize it. God basically just said, "Hush and listen, woman!" Then the song began to play in my head again..."I am captivated by you..." In that moment, all of my walls came crashing down. He was singing to me! He was captivated by me!!! What? I was nothing...filthy rags, on a good day. I'd never heard God like this before. I didn't know what to do, what to think. But as soon as I started to analyze what I'd just heard, I drifted off to the most peaceful sleep I'd had in a long time.

The next morning, I woke up thinking, "Did this really happen? Am I just being crazy ridiculous?" There was no way around it. My heart was changed, softened. I realized that all of the striving to earn God's acceptance and love was futile. He already loved me so much that there was nothing I could do to reverse it. It's like Pastor Mark said this morning at church, "We didn't choose God; He chose us." How unworthy am I that He would do such a thing?!

So, now it's over a year later, and I feel like I'm still trying to wrap my head around grace and mercy. I feel like in everything I do and say, I want God's grace to be evident. I look at people so differently now, too, and I feel like I need to apologize to anyone that I may have judged harshly. I am so sorry for making anyone feel like less than a precious jewel in God's eyes. I guess you can take solace in the fact that I made myself as miserable (if not more miserable) as I made you...haha!

My internal struggle now is not being angry at the people in my younger life who made me feel like God could only love me if I was completely blameless; that if I did anything wrong, I was essentially condemned to hell. I mean, I seriously believed that if I did ANYTHING wrong, God would be angry at me and would literally throw me into the fiery pit. I had it so wrong!!! Today, I feel free to live for Him. My walk feels more pure. I don't try so hard to follow all the rules, but the rules are somehow followed because I'm truly so in love with Him.

Pastor Mark talked about following our dreams this morning, and I wanted to share mine with the whoever reads this. My dream is that when I worship through singing that people feel the way I felt that day when He sang to me. I want you to hear God's voice telling you how much He loves you and how proud He is to be your Father. If I never have an opportunity to sing in front of thousands of people, that's more than ok, but if one person comes to the realization that Jesus is real and His love is unconditional, I will have fulfilled what I was put on this earth to do.

Here's a video for you that I just love...kinda sums it all up, I think.

20 Week Ultrasound Pictures!

 

Her precious little profile!

 

I love her little feet!

 

24 Week Belly

THE BABY IS...

...A GIRL!!! YIPPPPEEEE!!! Danny and I are so happy. We would have been either way, but we're just so happy to finally know! She is perfect and healthy. She has the cutest little nose and lips I've ever seen in my life. She weighs 1 lb now and is over 10 inches long!!

I've tried to journal all of her little milestones, but there are a few things I really want to remember:

1. I started feeling the first "flutter" kicks on January 21 while I was sitting in nursing orientation at GHS.

2. I started feeling her first really strong kicks on Valentine's Day morning. That was the first time Danny was able to feel her kick too.

3. Early last week, I had my first real freak out moment when I hadn't felt her kicking for the entire morning. I was ready to doppler her or go and get an ultrasound just to make sure she was ok. I've never been more scared in my life.

4. Over the last week, her kicking has gotten so frequent that I don't even want to imagine what it will feel like without it. Now she kicks so hard that I can actually see my tummy moving. It's kinda creepy.

5. After Danny, Tiffany Tucker was the next person to be able to feel her. And then, Mirjam, Danny's sister, was able to feel her. It was special. Hopefully Mom and Inge will have an opportunity soon.

6. Last Thursday, we had our 20 week ultrasound (at 21 weeks), and it was such a happy moment. My mom and my mother-in-law were both able to be there, and it was incredible to watch them and share that experience with them. I am so lucky to have such incredible supporters in my life. We have their reactions on video, and it makes me cry every time we watch it (which is quite often...hehe).

I cannot even tell you how blessed life is right now. I've never been so happy, scared, petrified, or thrilled (all at the same time). My prayer for our baby girl is that she is healthy and strong. I pray everyday that she is able to hear the voice of her Father at an early age and that she will grow up knowing His unconditional love and grace. I pray that Danny and I will be examples of that for her. If you want to help us and support us in this endeavor, please pray those same things for her.

Valentine's Day 2009

Danny and I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day to a great extent. I kinda think it's a stupid, retail-inspired holiday, and I don't think there's a guy out there that would mind having an excuse to get out of the whole thing. Danny and I believe that you shouldn't just take one day a year to be romantic and sweet to your significant other. It's something we strive to do daily. We don't always get it right, but we try.

This Valentine's Day has been a little different for me, though. I am starting to put on weight and feel like a huge heifer, and last night it was just a nice to get some flowers and go out on the town. My husband has been amazing since I've been pregnant; telling me how sexy I am and how much he loves me. But I can't help but feel a little icky when I can't button up my pants or my shirt won't fit over my belly. So this year I appreciate having this holiday to really celebrate the love Danny and I share. For one day, we've just been able to concentrate on each other. (And it's the last Valentine's Day we'll have with just the two of us, so we're trying to soak it all up).

I hope everyone has had a great day today! Love is amazing when you find it with someone who is as awesome as Danny!! Love ya, honey!! xoxo


Little History lesson:
Emperor Claudius II ordered all Romans to worship twelve gods, and he made it a crime punishable by death to associate with Christians. Valentinus was a dedicated Christian and continued practicing his beliefs. He was arrested and imprisoned. The jailer noticed that Valentinus was an educated man so he brought his blind daughter, Julia to him so he could tutor and teach her. Valentinus taught her stories of Rome’s history, he taught her about nature, arithmetic and told her about God. One day, Julius asked if God hears our prayers. “Yes, my child, He hears each one,” he replied. Julia expressed her belief that God could heal her blindness. Julia received her sight that day in the prison cell as they knelt and prayed. On the eve of his death, Valentinus wrote a last note to Julia, urging her to stay close to God, and he signed it “from your Valentine.” His sentence was carried out the next day, February 14, 270 A.D. near a gate that was later named Porta Valentini in his memory. He was buried at what is now the Church of Praxedes in Rome. It is said that Julia herself planted a pink-blossomed almond tree near his grave. Today, the almond tree remains a symbol of abiding love and friendship. On each February 14, St. Valentine’s Day, messages of affection, love and devotion are exchanged around the world.
(quoted from http://destinychristian.com/wordpress/?p=726)

Belly Pics!!

 

This was yesterday: 18 weeks, 1 day.

 

The bare (very white) belly.

1st Week of Work

Ok, so this week was my first week in about a year and a half that I've worked 40+ hours. I am working in the CV operating room (open heart surgery), and so far, I'm loving it. I'm completely and utterly pooped, but I think that has a lot to do with the growing baby in my belly too. =)

There's just one thing that I wanted to share from my experiences. This week, I've been knocked off my feet by God. To look into a person's chest and see their beating heart has to be about the coolest thing ever. How can anyone deny that God exists when they see this? I mean, I get the science behind it, and I love that. But to see how everything is formed so perfectly; all the nerves and blood vessels are in just the right place, etc; I just don't get how anyone can deny God. He truly is amazing, and He is such an amazing architect!!

Busy, Busy

I've been very lax over the last month with my blogging. We've had a ton of stuff going on that we are very excited about, so let me give you the updates.

Baby update:
I am a little over 17 weeks now, and my belly is starting to really poke out. I love it! Being that I used to really struggle with weight issues, it's amazing to see that my expanding belly makes me feel incredible...not fat! I have a doctor appointment on Monday, but we won't find out the sex until February 26. We can't wait to know.

New job (finally):
I started my new job on January 19. I'm working in the cardiovascular operating room, and I am so excited about it. When I first started as a nurse in the CCU, I asked to see an open heart surgery while I was on orientation, and they let me watch one. It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen!! I knew from that day on that I wanted to work there someday. I just had no idea that God would allow me to work there already. God really did a miracle in getting me this job. I could go on and tell you the whole story, but I'll spare you for today. One of the really great things about this job is that I don't just circulate (meaning running around grabbing equipment), but I also get to scrub in with the doctor seeing everything firsthand. It's really intense. One day, I'll try and get some photos of the OR itself, so you can see how it's all set up. It's absolutely crazy!!

Anyway, that's the life update. I'm going to try to update this more often. God is amazing and has shared lots with me over the last few months. I want to share, but sometimes I just can't find all the words.

Have a great day!!

Today's QT

I read this in Reflections for Ragamuffins by Brennan Manning this morning, and I just thought I'd share it with you.

"If the question were put to you, 'Do you honestly believe that God likes you?'--not loves you because theologically he must--how would you answer? God loves by necessity of his nature; without the eternal, interior generation of love, he would cease to be God. But if you could answer, 'The Father is very fond of me,' there would come a relaxedness, a serenity, and a compassionate attitude toward yourself that is a reflection of God's own tenderness. In Isaiah 49:15, God says: 'Does a woman forget her baby at her breast, or fail to cherish the son of her womb? Yet even if these forget, I will never forget you'"

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5

I don't really think I need to add to this. Anything I would add would only take away from what's being said...haha. But I'm going to think about what this really means today.

Life Updates...

I don't really know if anyone really cares, but here we go anyway:

1. Danny and I had a fabulous Christmas. It was so good to be able to celebrate with my family this year. I missed my mom last year. =(

2. New Years was great. We were able to go to Atlanta, GA with our College and Career home group. We went to the Aquarium, Danny and everyone else ice skated, and then we had a party at the Votaw house. It was great to celebrate with some new friends. Plus, while we were in Atlanta, I ran into one of my old childhood friends who is, by the way, 8 months preggers. Very exciting!! Very random!!

3. On Saturday, January 3rd, Danny and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. On Christmas day, we had officially been together for 7 years. I am truly married to the best guy in the whole world. I never thought 7 years ago that I would be able to love him more than I did then, but I do! I've never known a love (other than Christ's) that's more unconditional than with Danny.

4. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to check on everything with the baby. I'm not having an ultrasound, but I'll try to keep you posted on things with the little one. I've been using babycenter.com to track the progress and growth of the baby, and as of Friday, the baby was supposedly about the size of a lemon. I think that's kinda cool. I've gained all of 2 lbs, but I'm only 14 weeks. I'm anxious and excited about feeling the first flutters in there. I am also excited about finally being big enough that I look pregnant. (I know I may regret that statement later). I am just ready for it to be more tangible. Does that make sense?

Ok, that's all for now. Have a great week!!

Fröhliche Weihnachten!!

Well, Christmas is essentially over. It's usually at this time of the day that I get a little sad. All of the hype and anticipation are over. This year, as we were driving home from my mom's house, I had some time to reflect on my favorite part(s) of Christmas.

#1. My mom goes way out of her way to try and make Christmas special for everyone in some way. That's something I hope to pass along to my children someday.

#2. I love to watch others open their presents. I want to see the look on their faces when they get that one special Christmas wish.

#3. Danny and I started officially dating on Christmas day 7 years ago. We've made it a tradition to write each other a letter reflecting on the year and the things we've learned and the ways we've grown in our love for one another. More than any other gift, I look forward to this one from him the most. I have a drawer packed full of letters and notes from him that I'll cherish forever. My hope and prayer is that we will continue this Christmas tradition for the rest of our lives despite the hustle and bustle of children and other things.

Finally, I hope that everyone had an amazing Christmas. I hope that you are blessed in the coming year and that your faith in Christ will deepen and blossom.

1+1=3

It's been a bit of a secret until now (even though so many people knew...haha), but now the cat is completely out of the bag. We'll be having our first little baby around July 10th, and we are so extremely excited.

 

We had our first doctor visit December 3rd, and it was incredible!! I was so nervous. I don't really know why. A part of me was scared that there would be nothing there or something would be wrong, but at the first glimpse of our little baby, we were totally in love. We were able to see the heart beating. It was so fast...185bpm. We sat there and watched the baby move for a little while. It was kicking its little leg buds and moving its hands. I couldn't believe how much like a baby it already looked.

Here's the baby's first picture:

 

Why I Hate Cleaning...

Most of the people of my generation were addicted to the sitcom, Friends, on tv. Those of you who know Monica know that she is the stereotypical Type A personality and clean freak. I can truly identify with Monica the most except for in one area...CLEANING! While I am a serious Type A personality, when it comes to cleaning I cringe! I don't tend to be a complainer but here are the top reasons I hate cleaning:

1. I clean, and in two days, it's back to the way it was before I cleaned.

2. Cleaning, for the most part, is mindless activity. There's no life or death problem to try and figure out. I'm not stretching my brain in any way.

3. I think that time spent making my house emaculate could be better spent making my husband happy and spending quality time with him.

Ha! So now when I invite you over to our house, you will probably think we live in filth, and that's not the case at all. It's not that I don't clean, it's just that I'm not too happy about it...lol.

I leave you with this quote that I find incredibly satisfying:

"A clean house is a sign of a wasted life."

I Know, I Know...

I totally need to update this thing, but there's a lot going on right now that I'm not quite ready to talk about publically. So be patient, and check back often to see what we're up to.

Oh, one more thing: Congrats Chris, Beth, and Carrie on the birth of their daughter/sister, Hannah!! She looks just like Carrie when she was teenie tiny. We are super excited for you guys.

The Results Are In...

Barack Obama is set to be our next president!! While he may not have been my first choice, I am so proud to be an American right now. Whether you voted for Obama or not, you should be so proud of our democracy!! When I think about all of the oppression going on in other countries...people being murdered for making their voices heard, I cannot help but be so happy that my voice was heard (and I lived to tell about it).

I see that many Christians are really concerned about Obama becoming president, and I would just like to say (truly in love) that we cannot put our God in a box. God has been using people we wouldn't expect for centuries!! We have nothing to fear, because God has our past, present, and future in His awesome hands. I am truly looking forward to how God dumbfounds us all through Obama's presidency. I am looking forward to seeing Obama moving in such ways that could only be explained by him hearing the small whisper of God's voice. And I'm looking forward to God proving that He is good once again. Don't let fear and worry cloud your vision during the next four years! Watch and see!! God is going to do great things!!

Instead of berating Obama, let's start praying for him now as the leader of our country. My prayer is that we can come together as a country, and that this nation will change for the better despite who our president is.

I would love to hear your opinions on this subject.

Beth

Weekend Trip to the Mountains

So this past weekend, we went up to the N.C. mountains with the Tuckers. It was so much fun and oh, so relaxing. Here are a few pictures from our trip.

 

So many beautiful colors!

 

 

Worthy of a frame, I think

 

Kinda looks like an album cover

Facebook and Grace

Facebook is an amazing tool. With it, you can get in touch with people who once loved you, hated you, or just felt indifferent towards you. You can look in awe at people you that you went to high school with who have really made their lives great, who have overcome struggles, or who have failed miserably and may need a helping hand. It's honestly like a constant high school/college reunion!

Recently, I re-met an old friend on facebook who has been touched tremendously by the grace of God. She is an amazing woman of God, even though she may not know that yet, but she, like most of us, didn't come to know God the easy way. She rebelled against religion, church, and anything to do with Christianity, but God met her where she was and lifted her out of a life that was nothing but destructive. I had the pleasure of hanging out with her for the whole day today, and it was amazing to hear her testimony of grace. I feel blessed to know her!

One of the things I found really interesting in our meeting today was that she had, at one time, googled the word grace. The first website that pops up, if you want to do it is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divine_grace. In this website grace is defined as:

"enabling power sufficient for progression. Grace divine is an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion. Without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults (i.e. carnality) humankind cannot overcome. Therefore, it is necessary to increase in God's grace for added perfection, completeness, and flawlessness."

The wikipedia entry goes on to say that grace is God's gift to humankind!! Ha! I love it!! Grace is a gift that you don't have to earn. As a matter of fact, there's nothing in this world you could do to earn the measure of grace given to us by our Father. Isn't it amazing that He loves us so much?! Well, it just makes me freakin' excited...that's all I have to say.

So my challenge is for everyone to think about and write out your testimony of grace. I've felt that I've needed to do this for long time, but I've never had the time. It would be a novel; I can tell you that with certainty. It will be interesting for us all to see what God has done for us...to be able to quantify it. Let me know your thoughts.

Beth

Wanted!!

Hey,
I'm looking for a great left handed acoustic guitar. Send me a message if you have one you're willing to sell or give away!! Thanks!!

Random Thoughts for the Week

1. If something ever happens to my husband, I'll never be able to watch television again. He's the only one who knows how he wired up our sound system.

2. Watching a friend go through hard times is rough, but knowing that someone is intentionally hurting them is torture.

3. Coffee should only be prepared using a coffee press. Everyone, throw out your coffee machines and make real coffee!!

4. I go to the greatest church on the planet, and I am lucky to be a part of what's going on there.

5. Everyone (well, maybe just women) should indulge themselves in reading a love story involving vampires and werewolves. It's just awesome! Thanks Twilight Series...I'm hooked.

6. Being employed is entirely overrated.

7. My husband is a stud!!

8. My cat makes me smile. She's cuddling with me as I type. How sweet!

9. I want to be used by God not because I want people to look at me and say, "Oh, look! She's being used by God." I want to be used, b/c there's a lot of work that needs to be done. It's not about me!!

10. I just ate a hot cheesecake brownie with Rocky Road ice cream on it, and it was almost better than sex.

Pure and Faultless Religion

James 1:27: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

With everything that is going on economically in the world today, I am reminded of this verse. There are those who are sick and tired of paying for the health care and other costs of those who are less fortunate and those who are just too lazy to get a job. I understand this being part of the highly taxed middle class, but consider this verse. Our job as genuine Christians is to take care of those less fortunate than us. It is not an option. James says that it is the "religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless..." Nothing else matters in this world other than us taking care of others...showing the love and mercy to others that was so freely given us.

"Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself. All of the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'" (Matthew 22:37-40)

So who is our neighbor? Our neighbors are ALL of those around us...good or bad...genuinely unfortunate or not...who need Christ. I firmly believe that if we show the love of Christ to everyone, whether they are taking advantage or not, Christ is glorified, and that is all I want to do. It is not my job to judge whether someone is worthy of my help or not. It is simply my job to help and wait for Christ to do His work. When we love without conditions (something the world doesn't expect) and give without regulations, His Word is brought forth, and His love is shown. Jesus loved me without conditions and regulations. Who am I to not love others the way He loves and takes care of me?

Sunday Refections-October 5, 2008

This Sunday's Communion message was, for me, exactly what I needed. During the message Pastor Mark said that there are 3 things that Communion encourages us to do. Those include:
1. To look within ourselves and examine our own lives
2. To look back at how God has delivered us from things in our lives
3. To look ahead to the time when we will see Him face to face.

Pastor Mark also asked us 3 questions related to these 3 concepts:
1. What do you see when you look within yourself?
2. What "God-memory" is most special to you?
3. What are you looking forward to with God?

It's the answer to the 3rd question that I wanted to talk about in this blog. When I was about 2-3 years old, my biological father committed suicide. I never got to know my real father, and that has truly affected me over the years. I ask myself questions like, "Why was I not worth him living?" This was a constant battle in my mind as I was growing up and even now, at times. I was adopted by my mom's next husband, but I never felt like I was good enough for him. I grew up feeling like a major burden in his life. So, for me, when I think about the answer to this 3rd question, my eyes fill with tears, because I can just picture it in my mind...when I see Him face to face. I picture myself running as fast as I can to Him, laughing the whole way, and He's running full-on towards me. Then He grabs me up and twirls me around, and we just laugh and play like this for hours. (Ha...you REALLY don't want to be behind me in line to meet Him. Prepare to wait). Then He speaks to me and tells me how much He's always loved me and cared about me. I sit there completely dumbfounded that it's even possible to feel such amazing love and grace. And then I fold my head into His chest, and I just stay there for a really long time listening to His heart beat...His arms engulf me without a hint of Him ever wanting to let go. I never want to move from this position. Just let me stay like this for all of eternity. I am with my Daddy...

God is so real and so full of love. When I think about all of the things we must endure in life, I think about how all of that will just fade away when we see Him face to face. All of the hurt, frustration, and anger that we carry around will melt at the very sight of Him. But the amazing thing is that we don't even have to wait that long to let all of these issues go. If we surrender to Christ right now, even in this very moment, He floods our hearts with His grace and mercy, and everything else just falls away. He is good and faithful. If we seek Him, He will not hide Himself from us. That's a promise that we can count on.